Dear Abby
by longtimeerfan
Summary: This is what I think Carter wrote to Abby, including his POV around the time his grandmother died and his first trip to Africa. Also includes POV Abby about the events of that time, and how she felt about his leaving. I recently have watched the series up to end of Season 11, and remember why I loved it back when it came out!
1. Why I Left

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters

ER was a favourite of mine until the end of Season 11 when Carter left,I love the original cast. I thought Abby treated Carter badly at the end of Season 9, after all he had done to be there for her with her family, and she did not support him at all when he lost his grandmother. I filled in some details on what might have happened between the time she left in "Things Change" to the time Carter went to Africa. Warning: Carter and Abby are NOT meant for each other in my story

I have only watched up to end of season 11, and I have made up the ending, as I always thought that Carter should end up happy, his character always had a lot of bad things happening.

Hope you enjoy, this is my first fanfiction ever.

Carter POV

Carter watched the plane take off, with Luka and Gillian aboard, wondering if he was doing the right thing… but he just could not make himself get on the plane and go home. His mind wandered back to the night he had returned from his last trip, and he sighed sadly. If only she had been able to talk to him that night…..

_Carter had impatiently waited for his delayed flight in London, he could not wait to be back in Chicago. The last two weeks had changed him in ways he did not yet understand, he just knew that he wanted to see Abby. He felt bad about leaving without really talking to her, but his emotions, the hurt and the anger of the last two weeks were drowning him, and all he could think about was getting away. _

_"It's not Rio, but it's not here" was all he could bring himself to say._

_Things had not been good between them, that was for sure. He had tried everything to make her see that he loved her. He supported her through all the troubles with her family, taking time off work and flying all over the country to help her with her mom and Eric over the past couple of years. He was her shoulder to cry on, her lover, her friend, but lately he was feeling that he got nothing back in return. She was closed off, he didn't even know if she loved him, she had never said those words or given him any indication she saw a future with him._

_He thought about coming back when Eric's plane went down. He dropped everything to get back on that plane from Belize, cancelling his diving holiday with some friends from high school and med school. He flew all night, went in to the hospital and ended up being dragged into the ER vortex just so he could be there for her. And what did he get out of that? She disappeared, and he eventually found her smoking on the roof. Sure she apologized for running off, but ended up the same way, negative, telling him he should be running away from her, and then telling him how he should feel. They ended up yelling at each other, fighting, and then he surprised her, and himself that night, but finally admitted he wanted to marry her. And he meant it, he was in love with her, but she just told him he was crazy and then stood there looking at him, she gave no indication that it was something she might even want with him. And then she left._

_Then he tried to propose properly, with the beautiful ring that was his great- grandmothers, but something did not feel right. It was like she kind of knew what it was all about, but she wasn't meeting his eyes, they weren't connecting and he felt uncomfortable, that if he asked she was going to say "NO" and run away yet again….so he didn't do it. And in the back of his mind, he was remembering the conversation with Maggie on the way to the bus station and the comment she made about Abby's marriage to Richard, how they never communicated. That along with her "people can't change" comment was bothering him – if she can't even change enough to learn to trust me, to tell me what she is feeling, then how would our marriage survive? If she can't recognize the need to stop drinking...do we have any hope?  
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_When he tried to discuss it with her, she just said she got why he didn't do it, and then ran away again. They ended up yelling at each other again, her insecurity and negativity getting in the way of something he had put a lot of effort into planning. Things had just been going downhill since then, he didn't want to push her by bringing up the subject again, and she hadn't mentioned it either. He wasn't sure if she ever wanted to get married, and knew she was reluctant to even think about having kids – and he knew he did want a family in the next few years. She was always running away, avoiding any serious conversation on where they might be going. But she did seem upset that he left, and after his experiences over the past couple weeks, he knew he had to give their relationship one more chance. If she could forgive him for leaving like he did and finally talk to him, then maybe they had a chance. He had loved her for so long, and could see the person she could be, if only he could get her to realize that there was no such thing as indulging "just a little" for an addict or an alcoholic. How would she feel if he started using painkillers again "just a little"? And he knew that if he went down that road again he could lose everything he had worked so hard to regain, and vowed he never would. He had very much felt like numbing the pain he felt over losing his grandmother, and the loneliness he felt that week without Abby at his side – not with pain killers but he sure had thought about getting drunk. He did resist the urge though, knowing it would not solve anything. Sure, his dad was around for a few days, but he could barely have a conversation with him, and even though his dad had hugged him, it was a very distant embrace and broken off long before Carter was ready. His dad was angry over the will, losing his "birthright" to manage the family fortune, and inheriting very little. And his dad had always been distant with him. His mother did not come to the funeral, in fact he was still not even sure where she might be, he hadn't heard from her in months. Not that she would have been much support anyway, the only time he could even remember her showing any sort of emotion was when she visited after his grandmother ended up in the hospital, and she told him she loved him, after they had had several shouting matches and a conversation when she overindulged with Xanax and too much alcohol – the first time and only time he could remember his mother ever saying that to him. But then she disappeared off to her own life again, and it felt like he only dreamt that she actually said it. And that visit was not really about him anyway, it was his mother trying to get information, to pull Carter into the middle of the messy divorce, trying to get him to be the negotiator. And pulling him into the whole situation with the Leukemia patient the little boy who she brought in from the charity event, getting him involved and nearly bolting leaving Carter to deal with it, like she was seeking some redemption for abandoning his brother Bobby when he was dying. His dad was right when he said his mom was an emotional vampire, Carter felt tired and emotionally on edge when she finally left._

_He wanted to try and let it all go, not be angry and hurt that Abby chose to go to Eric, on the day his grandmother died, even though he outright asked her to stay, told her he needed her…..but she left anyway. And it was hard to not be hurt, after all, he had spent his life watching his parents leave him, again and again, never being able to have a proper conversation, avoiding talking about anything important, and feeling like he had been abandoned by them when his brother died. So her leaving him when he needed her most was really hard for him, and made him feel insecure about their relationship. Then she was late showing up at the funeral service, and worst of all, she brought an out of control Eric. Carter was falling apart at that point, trying hard to hold everything together, and just couldn't deal with it. He had pushed her away before he could say something he would regret, and spent the next week trying to sort out his feelings, but then again Abby did not try too hard to find him that week either, only showing up right when he was leaving for the Congo, to fight with him and tell him he shouldn't go, without even understanding why he needed to get away._

_He might have talked to Susan, but he had started to feel like she was more Abby's friend than his now, and they had drifted apart over the past few months when he started dating Abby. Same with Deb, she had a lot of things going on in her life too._

_By the time Luka phoned from the Congo, Carter knew he had to get out of town. He was supposed to meet his dad in Rio, but as usual something more important came up for his father and the trip was cancelled, and yet again Carter was left without either of his parents to support him. He had spent the day tending to a patient who saw the pain in him, and he knew it was true – his pain was overwhelming, it was a physical ache by this time and he needed to get away. Without Abby, and without his grandmother, it seemed like Chicago was empty, and he could not face going back to the big house his grandmother left him. He felt like he was on the verge of sliding into a massive black hole, and needed to get out of his own head. It felt like a repeat of the aftermath of the stabbing, the guilt and pain of losing his friend Lucy – someone he actually had developed some unresolved feelings for – after all he could not get involved with a med student as much as he was attracted to her. And when she died, he had to let it all go, but it wasn't easy, it took him a while to get over the guilt, which was worse since he had feeling for her. Carter feared he might lose control and go off the rails, this time with alcohol. So he jumped at the chance to go and maybe do some good, after all Luka was passionate about the cause._

_Carter's flight finally landed in Chicago, and he caught a cab. Without even thinking, he gave the driver Abby's address. He hesitated slightly before heading up the stairs, but he needed to see her. He let himself in quietly and went into her room, seeing her sleeping. He kissed the top of her head, then sat down on the edge of the bed, seeing her start to stir. She opened her eyes as she realized she was no longer alone, and gave him a look before asking when he got back. He told her he was sorry and that he missed her, but she just looked at him coldly, and asked for her key back._

_His mind was racing by that point, he wanted to speak, but no words would come. The look in her eyes was killing him, the fact that after all they had meant to each other, she gave no indication that she had missed him at all, or that she even heard what he had said or wanted to know why he was there. He did not trust himself to say a word, he just pulled out her keys, held them up, and he got up and walked out, tossing the keys on the table and letting the door slam behind him. He felt numb again, felt hope leaving him as he went back to the big empty mansion._

_The next day was no better as he got back to work. He had slept very little and was still jet lagged and upset about his reception by Abby the night before. The hospital was a mess and in the middle of some renovations. He found the new lounge location and went to his locker, finding a bag of his stuff with a note "you forgot your stuff". Well, that message was clear enough, but he still felt the need to talk to her, and tried a couple of times before he finally managed to get her to agree to coffee. The conversation was cold and awkward, he badly wanted to sit down and really talk, see if he could get her to finally show her feelings, but the ambulance bay was not where he wanted to do this – not at work. _

_Abby however decided to go on the attack, asking him if he thought about her when he was gone, and what he thought. He hesitated, trying to find the right words to convey what had gone through his mind while the Mai Mai had pushed that gun into his forehead hard enough to leave a mark, but he obviously did not speak soon enough, because she walked away AGAIN, asking him why he even bothered to come back and he was starting to wonder that as well._

_Then suddenly there was the commotion, he'd had a call from Africa, Luka was dead. He felt sad, he and Luka had become friends, reached an understanding and shared so much over the past two weeks, he knew he owed it to him to get the body back for a proper burial. And he had left him in that village, right in the middle of the war zone. Without much thought, he started packing up supplies, told Abby he needed to go and get Luka, but she couldn't understand, she just yelled at him. Her voice was a blur by this time, and what was the point anyway, she had sent him a pretty clear message last night and this morning with the package on his locker, that she had no further use for him, no desire to talk to him, she had said several times over the relationship that he should just go away._

_So he did - he got on the plane back to Africa, and spent the next couple of weeks trying to find Luka, and eventually did find him, surprisingly still alive though very ill, he had been mistaken as a priest. He arranged a transport for Luka to go home, but could not get on the plane. He felt empty, and could not face going back home, to fight some more with Abby, hear her reject him yet again, further destroy what, if anything was left of their relationship. To face the responsibility and emotional task of settling the estate and taking over the running of the Foundation. He just couldn't manage it given his current state, and it would be easy to lose himself in the constant work, the need of the people in the Congo, get out of his own head. Give himself some time to maybe get over her before he went home. _

_The phones and communications were terrible in Africa, and if he did phone, he knew he would not be able to say what needed to be said, so he wrote a letter. Maybe a cowardly way out, he thought, but even if he went back, he doubted she would even listen to what he had to say. His emotions were shutting down, he was on the edge of an abyss, only one step away from a complete breakdown. _

_He tried to express how he felt, what was going through his mind in the letter._

Dear Abby,

By the time you read this, I hope Luka is home safely. You will know I did not come home with him. I decided to stay a bit longer in the Congo, the hospital is short staffed with Luka gone and to be honest, I think I need a little time and space right. I am sorry for doing this by letter, I would have preferred to talk to you in person, but I just couldn't get on that plane back to Chicago. I do feel like I owe you an explanation of why I did not come back after all we have been through together.

The past few months have been really difficult. I wanted "us" to work, I really care about you, but I am not sure that you want the same things or feel the same as I do. I have tried to be there for you, and though I know you think that I am trying to "fix" you, all I ever really wanted is to help. I hated to see you throw away 5 years of sobriety, after you worked so hard to get there, but it seems like it always came across to you the wrong way. I also know that for "us" to work, we need to be able to lean on each other, and you cannot seem to open up about your feelings, which has been the hardest thing for me, it is like you do not trust me. You commented that I have my own issues, and I agree I do, there is no question my family is just as dysfunctional as yours, and I have baggage, I don't think I have ever denied it….it just seemed like we have spent most of the last year dealing with your family so maybe you don't really understand, though you should since you met my mother, she is not the warmest person on the planet. Right now I couldn't even give you her phone number, I have no idea where she even lives at this point. Learning to ask for help when I needed it was the hardest experience of my life, but I have come a long way since that day in the trauma room. Though maybe not far enough to make "us" work and timing has always seemed to be an issue.

Going to the Congo had nothing to do with you, I wasn't trying to hurt you, I never wanted to do that. It was about me, and what I needed at the time – maybe I was running away, but I always intended to come home. I was hurting Abby, we had a couple of rough months before my grandmother died. Then she was gone, and she was the most important member of my family to me, the only one who was always there, she was more like my mother than my actual mother. I asked you to stay, I told you how much I needed you to be there, but you left anyway. I understand the responsibility you feel for Eric, but you'll never know how hard that week was for me, how alone I felt. How hard I tried to talk to you after the funeral, how numb I felt the following week, I just buried myself in my work so I didn't totally fall apart. Maybe it was unreasonable to be angry, but it was a very stressful time, seeing our relationship collapse, and having to deal with the loss of my grandmother, I came to my breaking point. When my trip to Rio fell through, I knew I still needed to get away from Chicago for a couple weeks, and when Luka called needing a doctor, I felt it was a sign.

I went through a lot in the Congo, as I told you is was both beautiful and terrible at the same time. The beauty of the country, and the combined strength and fragility of the people, but also the horrifying violence and poverty and suffering hit my soul deeply, I felt like I made a difference there. I also thought that maybe some of our issues were insignificant in the face of what I had seen in Africa and I came home hoping that we could forgive each other and move on. But the look in your eyes that night, I felt like you really did not want to hear anything I had to say or hear the reason I went, and it seemed that you had given up on us, you totally shut me out, yet again, and it hurt. Even when I tried to talk to you the next day, you were shut down, all you could say was that you didn't know why I bothered coming back, and I started wondering the same thing. You are right, we are not talking, we are not communicating, and without that we have nothing. The hesitation in the ambulance bay when you asked me what I thought…I wanted to try and tell you something that happened while we there, but I also did not want to scare you and make you worry. But I am going to tell you now, since you don't need to worry about me anymore. While we were in Matenda we had to evacuate our camp, as the Mai Mai had come into the territory. We returned to camp with the critically wounded after we thought it was safe, but they came into our camp, forced us to our knees and held guns to our head. Eventually they left, and only because I had tried to save the brother of one of them the first week I was there, but before they went they brutally murdering one of the patients in front of us. All I could think while they held that gun to my head was that I was not going to make it back to see you again and be able to make things up to you. I thought it was all over for me, for the second time in my life.

I meant what I said on the roof that night, though it surprised me as much as you when I said it. But all you could do was look at me like I was crazy, and tell me how I should feel about you. Then the night at the restaurant for some reason, I just couldn't….I really wanted to, but I felt like you did not want me to say it. You keep telling me how I should feel, and how I should not want to be with you, and honestly at this point I have any idea how you feel about us, you have never really told me what you thought about our future. Based on your reaction when I got home from Africa, I am not sure you even want to hear any of this, but I needed you to know. I want you to be able to move forward unfettered, and find the happiness that you deserve, I cannot seem to make you truly happy. You are a terrific person, there is much to love about you, I only hope that one day you can see that. I give up, I can't watch you walk away again, all we seem to be doing is hurting each other. I am not sure when I am coming back, I only know I need some time to deal with the changes in my life, I feel needed here in a way that I just do not feel there.

I will always love you Abby, but I can't do this anymore.

John

Abby POV

_I can't believe he wrote me a letter, how could he do this to me. Running off for a second time to the Congo when I asked him not to, and then not coming back with Luka. He left me, he said at one time that he was not going anywhere, but I guess talk is cheap._

_Who am I trying to kid here besides myself, I miss him so much, and it is all my fault he left. I haven't really seen him more than a few hours in the past couple months, since the day of the funeral we have been pretty much apart, then he spent a lot of time in Africa, between the first trip, and then going to find Luka. Amazing that he found Luka, and got him home safely, Luka and John appear to have become friends and Luka is grateful John came back and found him. It sounds like he took some real risks to get Luka back, going literally into a war zone to do so. And I do feel bad, I was pretty unwelcoming to him when he came back from his first trip and Susan was right, I was punishing him for going away without discussing it with me. But I honestly thought we would have some time to work things out, and I wanted him to know how mad I was with him. So I ignored his apology and the "I missed you", and kicked him out, asking for my key back, though I was sad when I heard those keys hit the table and the door shutting as he left without saying another word to me. And then to really get the point across I left his stuff in a bag on his locker and was cold when he tried to talk to me. I know I was acting totally unreasonable, and as Susan pointed out, he must have been thinking about me, and was sorry since he came to see me right from the airport. I was hurt that he did not listen to me when I asked him not to go and he just looked at me and said basically anywhere was better than being here, and being so negative, what I heard was anywhere was better than being here with _me, _not that he was hurting and just needed space_.

_It didn't help that I still feel guilty about when his grandmother died and I just left even though I could see how much John needed me that day, he outright asked me to stay, saying that he couldn't face it alone, but I still chose Eric. Even my promise to be home that night ended up being empty, when we missed our flight, and then I tried to phone him, but he was busy with funeral arrangements and visits to the lawyer and we never connected, as he did not come to work for a few days. Until the day of funeral, and by then I hadn't seen him for several days. He sent a car for me, well a limo, I could see how happy he was I was there, until of course the fiasco with Eric. He loses the most important person in his life and I totally made a mess of the day, got in the way of him being able to give a proper good bye to his grandmother, I could see how upset John was at the funeral, he was barely holding it together. I was so embarrassed and I wasn't sure he could ever forgive me, and I tried to apologize, but he told me to just go deal with Eric. Then he showed up at the hospital and tried to talk to me, but things kept getting in the way. By the time we had a chance to actually talk, I think it was just too late, he'd had enough and pushed me away. And I just left him there, why didn't I go back into that trauma room and just be there for him – no I had to walk away and leave him alone, just like I'd been doing for the past several days. If only I had just gone back and given him a hug, held his hand or anything to show him I cared. And then I did not see him for a week afterwards, we were on opposite shifts, and with trying to deal with Eric, and work….well and the fact that I knew I had messed up badly and I was hoping he would reach out to me, but he didn't and I was too scared to call him._

_Then Luka called and said John was heading to Africa, and so I made sure I lingered around the Ambulance bay until he came out from his shift. I tried to talk to him, but he blew me off, though I guess I don't blame him. I hadn't been a very good friend, or girlfriend the last couple of weeks. And I know I had been pushing him away long before that, I mean the guy says he wants to marry me and I can't even tell him I love him, and when he tries to talk to me about it I run away then we end up fighting again. And I really do, I love him so much, I would love to be with him, but I just don't feel good enough for him. I know I have disappointed him with my inability to stop drinking, he has done such a great job of getting his life back together after being stabbed, literally almost dying and overcoming his addiction. And I kind of blame Mark and Kerry for his issues after the stabbing, though John takes full responsibility. They should have made sure he had mandatory counselling, and really followed up, but then maybe they really don't know how dysfunctional his family is, and how little support he has outside of his friends at work. He worked hard and even got the Chief Resident position and now he's an attending. He is a great teacher and so good to the students, he was really good to me when I was first in the ER as a med student. It amazes me, well _he _amazes me. He acts just like any regular guy, it is crazy how much money his family has but I had no idea until we went to that Charity event and he signed a $10 million dollar cheque without even blinking. And even knowing how he felt about things, I had to join his family bugging him to get involved in the Foundation. Not that I was necessarily wrong, but I know it bothered him and we did not part on great terms that night._

_Look at all he done for me, even when we were just friends, he dropped everything and flew with me to get my mom from some out of the way motel in Oklahoma. He lost his girlfriend Rena over that, and he paid for our flights, my mom's hotel, the rental car, everything. And then again with Eric going through all the stuff when he was AWOL , and yet again when Eric's plane went missing he was so supportive and helpful, showing up when I really needed to see him, right after working all day in the ER the one time, and flying back from Belize the other. He even seems to like Maggie and Eric and care about what happens to my family. He is the best boyfriend I have ever had, or could hope for, yet I blew it. I couldn't tell him how I feel about him, I kept pushing him away, telling him to leave. Yet he seemed to know I didn't mean it, that I really desperately wanted him to stay._

_Until he came back from Africa, and I was so hard on him, even though when I saw him all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and take away all the hurt I caused him to tell him there was nothing to forgive. I wanted him to take me in his arms and make love to me that night, to wake up with him in my bed. I really have missed waking up next to him, but I don't know if I ever will have him in my bed again. I miss having him in my life, I let my pride get in the way. Reading his letter, I know he is telling me the truth, that he didn't do it to hurt me, he was feeling alone, feeling the loss of his grandmother, feeling that he had lost "us", and facing so much responsibility and what must be a huge task of settling an estate. And to know that he actually almost died when he was there really doesn't make me feel any better. Is he kidding, he had a gun to his head and watched them murder someone right in front of him? And he still had the courage to go back and spend weeks looking for Luka in the middle of a war zone, and managed to arrange a medical transport to get Luka back from Africa? And stay there to work in the same area, risking his life further, volunteering, making a difference in peoples' lives. He has seen too much in the past few years, and he deserves to be happy. He is a better person than I can ever be, I would be too scared to go and work over there, in such primitive conditions in the middle of a genocide. I am devastated that I have ever given him the impression that I don't care, that I have never had the courage to tell him I love him, and that I could not give him even a little understanding or the compassion that he so deserved. Forgetting how new and traumatic the loss of his grandmother was, why he might feel he needed to get away for a couple of weeks without having to deal with all the extra emotional stress I dumped on him when he got back, how I couldn't accept his apology at face value, I had to torture him, make him pay for leaving me even for a couple of weeks. Push him into risking his life, to stay in Africa. And now I have lost him, probably forever. I wish I had the courage to write him in Africa and beg him to come home, to come back to me. But he is too good for me, and I think I have lost the right to tell him what to do. I need to make some changes in myself.  
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_ I remember Susan Lewis being really mad that Carter left me that way, and at first I let her believe what she wanted to believe. Then we went out for a girls night, me, her and Jing Mei and I had a few too many, just before I decided I needed to stop drinking and started to go to meetings again, and I finally confessed my guilt in the matter. Funny, all the things I wish I had told John, before I sent him away from me and they came out one drunken night...Susan and Jing Mei both looked really disappointed in me as I told them all the events that had left up to John leaving the second time for Africa. Our friendship was not really the same after that, I know he meant a lot to both of them as they had known him a lot longer than I had and they now knew that I had hurt him badly, and there may be no way I can ever make that up to him.  
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	2. Moving On

Carter POV

_I am working in a clinic in Africa, the need is great, we have a steady stream of patients, the days fly by and I have little time to think. I am glad for that, getting out of my own head is a relief. I have become very close to Debbie from the Red Cross, and though I feel a bit bad moving on so soon after Abby, I admit we are having a bit of a thing, though we have agreed it is not serious. She knows I just got out a relationship and I cannot commit to anything long term right now, and she has someone back in Seattle anyway, though that relationship is apparently a bit strained as she spends so much time in Africa. I have to admit Angelique was right, she is my type, a pretty and feisty blond. I guess I am her type too, at least she seems to enjoy my company and it makes life less lonely here. I do feel needed and appreciated here, we work long days, and then we often go out for dinner or drinks, no one has to rush home. I have met some great people, as doctors volunteer from all over the world. I miss home, and I do miss Abby, but I am trying hard to let her go, I know it is for the best. I have not heard from her, and this tells me that I made the right decision. If she wanted me back, she would have contacted me, after all, Luka knows where I am and I have sent some postcards to County. Luka and I have been keeping in touch and he has been sending me packages too. He tries to send a few antibiotics and extras for the clinic, which we desperately need and of course my mail is being forwarded. I am getting packages from the lawyers' office about the estate, but I mostly ignore them for now as I am not ready to deal with any of that._

_I first met Kem one evening when we were all out for dinner and drinks. She is beautiful, half Congolese and half French, and mostly grew up mostly in Paris, though she moved to Kisangani after her father died. I would not have thought her my type, but I am incredibly attracted to her, she is amazing, intelligent and fearless, I have never met anyone quite like her. I know Debbie noticed my interest right away, but we carried on our liaison for a while longer. I got to know Kem a little better over the next couple months, as she runs the AIDS clinic and I see her often when she visits the clinic I am working in, and also on our group nights out._

_I have a patient with AIDS, she just lost her husband and she has two small children and one on the way. I tried to get her into a pilot project here, but there is such demand, that I cannot get her into it, so I got Luka to send me some meds from the US. That did not go over well with Kem, she works for the Department of Health here and is the one running the pilot project. So she got my patient into her program, with the condition that I donate $15,000 per year to her clinic. And I am happy to do that, since she can treat a lot of new patients with the money I would have spent on just one. _

_Then one night Kem and I got together, and we have been inseparable since. I can't believe this, but I feel like I am falling in love with her, and we have been together such a short time. I have basically moved in with her. Then not long after we started seeing each other seriously, she comes home and tells me she is pregnant. I am surprised, but we both know when it happened….and neither of us are all that upset about it. It just feels right, absolutely right to be with her and we decide to have the baby. I am totally happy, I can't remember when I was so happy. And Kem seems happy too, she is so open with her feelings, I can tell her anything, how I feel, that I love her and she can say it back with no hesitation. We talk about everything. I know we are going to have some geographical challenges making this work, but it is going to be worth it. A baby, and a woman I have fallen totally in love with. _

_Christmas comes and I get a package from home, Christmas presents for the kids, Debbie is kind enough to get some Christmas decorations and a few medical supplies for me on one of her trips. She is actually okay with the Kem thing, which is amazing, I thought she would be really mad at me, but she's not, I think it is pretty obvious that we love each other. With the package comes an urgent letter from home, about my grandmother's estate, so I know I am going to have to get back to Chicago soon. I have now been here about 8 months, I have found what my life has been missing, the person I know I want to spend the rest of my life with, and have a family._

_Christmas is great overall but, sadly, my AIDS patient loses her son that day. It was hard to watch, I know that she may also soon lose her other two children, the mortality rate in Africa is really high._

_Kem and I exchange presents, and part of what I give her is plane tickets, I want her to come to Chicago with me for a while. Meet everyone at County, get a checkup and see my life there while I work on settling the estate. She agrees to come for a while, I know it is hard for her to leave the clinic here, but she has great staff that can handle things for a bit, so we make plans to go to Chicago. We also make a stop in Paris to see her mother, who is not well, but she is happy to meet me and excited to be a grandmother. We finally get to Chicago, and Kem is very surprised to arrive at my grandmother's house, she had no idea and she is a little overwhelmed, but is enjoying the hot showers and luxury after her very small house in Africa. Though she did grow up in Paris and spent some time in London, she is not quite used to the lifestyle that I can live in Chicago. We hole up in the house for a week and just enjoy being together._

Abby POV

_It has been months since John left, and I wonder if he is ever coming back. It was really hard at first, but I am accepting that I really messed up, and I know he is okay since we get postcards and Luka is always sending him packages at the Clinic. I have been making some positive changes in my life, I finally stopped smoking and drinking, and I went back to school, I am going to finish my degree and become a doctor. _

_It was brutal when he left, I was careless and threw his letter into the trash can outside the ER, or thought I did. And someone, Frank I think, picked it up and read it and then passed it around the ER….so within a very short time everyone knew that he had dumped me, and why he was not coming back from Africa. It was funny though, a lot of the staff acted like he was the biggest jerk on the planet, for leaving me that way. But I know better, I pushed him away, I wasn't there for him and I hurt him. I guess sometimes I feel a little bitter that it was so easy for him to leave, but I am working on that. I try to hide my feelings when people ask me about him, asking how he is over there, and I just say I don't know and walk away. I know I still love him, and in the back of my mind I hope when he finally comes home so that I can find some way to repair the damage and maybe get him back. I have not been dating anyone, I don't feel right seeing someone else when I know who holds my heart. And I have been busy getting sober and working on med school, trying to deserve him. I miss him every day, and I feel like I owe him, his leaving was both the worst and best thing that happened to our relationship. It made me take a close look at who I had become, and I finally understand what he was trying to tell me all that time, that he wasn't trying to fix me, he knew the truth. If I drink, I am hurting myself, throwing away my hard work, and it was hard for him to watch me, knowing that I would eventually destroy myself if I did not get it under control. Like it would have been hard to watch if he had started using drugs again, I would have tried to help him if he was in trouble. I still regret not being able to just accept his love, and openly tell him I loved him too. And I know I have never been good at sharing my feelings, that was one of the things that destroyed my first marriage, and now it has ruined another relationship.  
><em>

_Then one day I am working and I hear Kerry complaining about Susan not coming in, and how she sounds to well to be calling in sick. Frank asks Kerry if he should call someone to cover, but she says no, don't worry, I have Carter on the schedule. I am a bit startled to hear this, and really nervous to see him again. But I am a little bit excited too, it has been so long and I have made a lot of positive changes. I hope he still loves me, and I have a chance to get him back.  
><em>


	3. Introducing Kem

Carter POV

We arrive at County, and I park my Jeep in the staff parking. Kem and I head into the ER, I see a glass window, and a nurse that I don't know greets us, and tells us we need to go to triage. I hold up my ID badge against the glass, and she smiles Oh Dr Carter, its nice to put a face to the name. She lets us in and Kem looks around, suddenly there are a lot of comments and some of the nurses are heading over to greet me and for hugs. I have my arm around Kem, and I introduce her briefly, then Pratt comes up to say hi and makes a comment about how well I must be doing, as he eyes Kem, he always did have an eye for a pretty woman. I make mention we have an appointment upstairs, and get some surprised looks, and congratulations, then Neela takes Kem to head upstairs and I get pulled into a trauma. I am called out as Kem's appointment is starting early and get there in time to see the ultrasound and find out we are having a boy. I give Kem a kiss, we are both so happy! We get a picture and head back downstairs, and talk to a few people. Then I see Abby coming our way. I know this is going to be a bit awkward but I know I love Kem, and I was never sure at the end how Abby felt about me. I hope we can be friends again.

Abby POV

I look over, and there he is. He looks different, he has a beard which I am not sure I love, but he still is a good looking guy, though he suddenly seems older than when he left, maybe its just the beard. What I see and don't like is that he has his arm around an incredibly beautiful African girl, she is petite, with long silky black hair and they both look disgustingly happy. I think about running and hiding, but he is obviously going to be working, so I might as well get it over with. I head over and say hi, and John gives me a hug and says how nice it is to see me and introduces me to HER. Kem is her name, and she has this great accent, maybe French or British? And then I see John is holding something that looks suspiciously like an ultrasound, and I feel sick again. He has moved on without me, and there is no way he is going to leave that gorgeous creature for me.

Carter POV

It was great to see Abby, I hug her, and she meets Kem. There is a bit of an awkward silence and then she tells me she has gone back to med school, which is great. She then asks about what I am holding. I know this might be difficult for her, but we have been apart for close to a year now. I tell her it's an ultrasound, and she takes a look at it and seems speechless for a moment, but then congratulates us. Kem can tell this is a weird for both Abby and I, she knows that I broke up with Abby right about the time I came to Africa and we have history. Fortunately, Luka appears and I introduce Kem and she comments that if not for him that we would never have met, which gets Luka a look from Abby. She is holding it together but she does not look entirely happy, and I feel a bit bad since she had no warning that I was going to show up with a pregnant girlfriend. I probably should have called her, but on the other hand, we are not together anymore and haven't talked in months.

I know I should get to work, and I want to get away from this strange little reunion, I will try to talk to Abby later. I see Kem out to the car and we share a very long kiss. I tell her I love her and she says it back right away. And I can tell she means it, I can see it in her eyes and on her face. I loved Abby, but not like I love Kem. Kem is such a totally different personality, she is so confident, and open with her feelings, which makes her even more attractive to me. We have created such a strong connection and love in such a short time, it is a totally comfortable and incredible feeling. And I am very excited to start a family with this woman, I can't wait to be a father to our new baby boy.


	4. Time in Chicago

Carter POV

It was a busy day in the ER, it is strange to be back and have so much medical equipment, unlimited supply of gloves and medicine available. Pratt is still very much the same, a little arrogant and doesn't always listen, but he has learned a lot while I have been gone. But we did have a bit of a problem with one patient from an MVA because Pratt jumped in to intubate, just as I got there with respiratory, and now the patient is paralyzed.

I had a brief chance to talk to Abby alone, I am going to try to make some time to take her for coffee when I can, I want to hear how she has been but it will have to wait a few days. She seems much happier than when I left, so I guess I did the right thing breaking up with her. Must have been me and our relationship that made her so miserable, which makes me a little sad, that was never what I wanted, to make Abby unhappy. I told her she looked happy and asked if we were okay, and she said yes, but I think she is still a bit upset with me about leaving, and I guess also about coming back with Kem.

The day finally ends and I meet Kem outside, she is enjoying the snow, and sticks her cold hands under my jacket. I pull her into my arms and just hold her, she hugs me back.

Luka comes out carrying Sam's son, and puts him in the car for her. We share a look, and I can see he is really happy right now, and he deserves to be. I know he lost his whole family in Croatia, I don't know how he manages to go on.

Abby POV

The day was busy, and I ended up in a trauma with Carter, but it was okay. He got me busy doing procedures - he always was a great teacher. Afterwards we have a brief chat, and I make a comment about timing being everything and he gives a bit of a laugh at that. I ask him - what? He shakes his head slightly then looks at me. You look happy Abby. I can see that he is sincere and I think he must still care about me a little. I tell him he looks happy too, and yes we are okay. Overall it has been a hard day, seeing him with someone else, but I find myself glad that he is actually happy, though still jealous that he was able to find someone new so quickly, and that he is having a baby with her so soon.

Carter POV

The next few days go quickly. Kem comes in with me one day as she wants to observe, and I can tell she is driving the staff crazy. She is a live wire, my Kem, highly intelligent and not afraid to ask questions. She gets to see several areas, and is quite impressed with how the HIV and AIDS patients are treated, how well they appear to be doing as we only have an outpatient clinic with the few end stage patients in a general medical ward. I worry about her though, she goes on a ride along to bring in some whooping cough patient, and I am afraid she is going to expose herself to something far worse going into those buildings. We also end up with a whole long line of people to see to be vaccinated, thanks to Kem, so we end up doing a Congo style clinic in the hallway, with Luka joining in. Kerry is a bit annoyed, but Kem holds her ground against Kerry - and I think that impresses Kerry a bit, she can see how strong Kem is, and she is knowledgeable too. Kerry makes a crack about not letting anyone else go to Africa, it definitely has changed how Luka and I practice medicine, but in a good way I think. Kerry also asks me not to bring Kem in again, I think Kerry found her overwhelming with her constant questions. Or you're fired Dr. Carter! I laughed at that, and Kem laughed when I told her, she knew she had asked a lot of questions.

Abby POV

Wow, Carter has his hands full with Kem. She came in with him one day, and boy does she ask a lot of questions. But I can tell she is incredibly smart, and she knows a lot about public health. Apparently she runs an HIV program in Africa, which is how Carter met her, or so Luka tells me. She was around the clinic a lot and of course Carter has never had a problem getting dates with pretty women, he has been often propositioned by patients too. There is something about him that just draws women in, he is charming and of course very good looking, his eyes are beautiful. I remember spending a lot of time just looking into his eyes, they are so expressive, and deep brown. I watch them interact, and have to admit that they just work as a couple. Chuney made a comment to me that they act just like a married couple, how he got to know her so well so fast, I don't know. But he really does seem happy, and as much as I am feeling bad about losing him, I love him and so I am happy for him.

Carter POV

My time with Kem in Chicago is going far too fast. I know she wants to visit her mom in France, and is anxious to check on her clinic in Kisangani. I don't want her to leave, I know I will miss her. On our last day together in Chicago, for a while anyway, she gets me to shave. It feels weird to see myself without the beard again, but Kem loves it. I guess she saw a picture of me dressed up at a function, and liked what she saw...so who was I to say no. We have a great day, I make her breakfast and then we see a lot of Chicago sights. I also booked us a hotel room, the same one my grandparents and parents got married in. Kem makes a comment about it being a proposal, and I say - Do you want it to be? I would marry her in a minute, but I think she is not quite ready, having a baby is enough for now. I have to drop her off at the airport, and I hold her close and ask her to stay. I know that we will probably be spending a lot of time in Africa when the baby gets old enough, I know Chicago is not her home and she has nothing much to do here. I can't stand to see her go, so I buy a ticket - a really expensive one just to get to the gate. I think I have missed the plane, but then she is there hugging me for a tearful good bye, but she gets on the plane and I am sad, we haven't been apart a single night since we met.

I have to work and go to the hospital, Kerry gets mad because I am late, but lightens up quite a bit when I say I had to take Kem to the airport. She shows me some pictures of her son Henry, he is so cute, and I get excited again about being a dad.


	5. Missing you

Abby POV

Carter comes in looking less happy today, and I wonder if there is trouble in paradise. I find out from the rumour mill that Kem went to Paris to visit her mom, and then she is heading back to Africa for a while to make sure everything is okay at her clinic. I can tell he really misses her, and it is even harder since he is going to miss some things with the baby that is on the way. I overhear Kerry ask him if he has heard from her, and he says yes, she is safely back in Africa and they email daily since the phone system is seriously lacking in the village they work in. I think back to him sending the letter, and I understand that Gillian wasn't kidding, and he really couldn't contact me any other way. I am still really busy with school, and I had to beg Richard to cosign a loan for me when I went back to school so I can pay my tuition, but I really need to finish and become a doctor. Working with Carter has become easier, and he has even asked me to go for a coffee with him. I am not sure what this is about, but I think he just wants to talk to me. While I was in the NICU a few weeks back I ran into him, and asked him how he felt about becoming a dad, and he said a little scared, especially seeing the NICU. It hits me how changed he seems, and how much more his life is going to change when his son arrives. And I think I am finally getting over him, I don't think I could have made him this happy, maybe if our timing was better and my family issues and drinking hadn't interfered we would have had a chance, but then I am not sure I could have given him a baby. I am still scared about that. It makes me sad, but I know he did the right thing, breaking up with me. I still want him to be my friend though.

He is then gone for a while, and I hear he went to Africa to see Kem. He seems happier when he comes back, though I can tell he still misses her. Then new troubles begin for me, the loan I had arranged to be cosigned by Richard does not happen as he is having financial trouble. I worry a bit, then try to talk to Kerry about it in the lounge, just after we have a discussion about another matter. To my surprise, she stops at the door and says that the registrar had received my tuition, and not to worry about it. How did that happen?

As I ponder, I realize that John was standing right there when I made a comment to someone about it. I can't believe this, John Carter paid my tuition? So track him down in the ambulance bay and he tries to shrug it off, though I tell him I am going to pay him back. He says no, he is giving it to me, and he considers me a friend. Then out comes the statement about the interest, and I totally believe he is telling me the truth and I think - oh my god, how much did his grandmother leave him? I suspect she left him at least the "mansion" but obviously much more besides. So I just say well since you put it that way, I need a new transmission for my car too. He laughs, but I think maybe I should not have said that, or I might find keys to a new car on my locker. An no surprise, the next time I open my locker there is an envelop in there with about $2000 in cash. How the hell did he get in my locker and what the hell is he doing. This I really will pay him back, but I know he is just that kind of friend, and everything really is okay with us.

Carter POV

I miss Kem so much, and I wish I was with her. She is doing well, but the baby is growing and she is starting to show, and I am missing it, which is really hard. But I am still trying to get the estate in order, so I can't just go back to Africa though I am tempted. She has been gone a month now, and when Luka asks me how long she has been gone, I can tell him right down to the minute, which makes him laugh. I have sent her some care packages to make sure she is taking her vitamins and eating properly, along with some stuff for the clinic, and some roses. Luka sees them and comments. Then Chen comes in with her dad, and it is great to see her, though I am sorry she has lost her mom and having to deal with her dad being seriously ill. Later in the day, Jerry has an amazing surprise for me, he got a webcam set up and I get to talk to Kem, she has visited the consulate. She shows me her belly, and I tell her they are both beautiful, I can feel tears in my eyes. We visit for a while, which is amazing. I tell her how things are going at the house I bought for us and showed her while she was in Chicago. I have been getting it updated and it looks great. The "mansion" is just too big, and though my dad will not be happy I think I am going to sell it. It holds a lot of memories, both good and bad, but it is just not my style, I like our new house much better, it is more like a home, less like a museum and it is on my favourite street in Chicago. Besides, I know we will not be in Chicago all the time, we will spend quite a bit of time in Paris and Africa as well.

I have planned a trip for two weeks to see Kem in Kisangani. The few days before I leave are tough, we lose a patient under questionable circumstances, and I can tell that either Michael or Neela are not telling the truth...I think Michael is protecting Neela. I leave without signing the chart, to give some time for things to work out before I get back, and head to the airport.

My time off goes to fast, but I have enjoyed seeing Kem and I get to feel our baby kicking and moving, which was beyond incredible. I know she is coming back to Chicago soon too, and her due date is fast approaching. I am sad when I have to leave her.

Back to Chicago, and work is busy but I miss her so much. I am glad she will be here for a while after the baby is born. Then one day just before Kem is due back, I hear Abby saying something about her tuition and a loan Richard was supposed to cosign falling through. I still care about her a lot, and know what it took for her to go back to school, so I go to the registrar and pay her tuition, but ask them not to say where the money came from, though she may figure it out. She might be mad, but I still consider her my friend. Sure enough a couple days later, Abby comes out while I am in the ambulance bay, and asks me what I am doing. I just look at her and say - waiting for an ambulance?

She looks at me and asks if I paid her tuition. I can't help but smile when she asks it and I shrug. She looks annoyed but says she will pay me back, but I tell her it is not a loan, I am giving it to her. She blinks a couple times and starts to argue again. Consider it an investment in the future of health care I say to her. Besides, in the time we debated this, I made your salary for the rest of your life, just in interest I tell her. Her head snaps around to look at me, and I kind of laugh and shrug, and she knows its true, after all though she doesn't know all the details of my finances, she does know that I must have inherited something from my grandmothers estate. I

A guy comes up on a motorbike, and Abby goes to meet him, and calls over to me...I'm going to pay you back! I raise an eyebrow at this, but I am so happy to see her dating and moving on. She seems like she has finally realized that she deserves it.


	6. Ruffling Feathers

Carter POV

The day has finally arrived, and I pick Kem up at the airport. We stand for a long time just holding each other. I tell her how much I love her and have missed her, and she says the same. We get home and she cannot believe how much work I have done on the house. I got the baby room painted and decorated with the jungle theme, and had the kitchen renovated, replaced paneling and a lot more too. I had the furniture we picked when she was last in Chicago delivered and things are getting set up, and there is a pile of gifts for her to open from everyone at the hospital.

I get home from work, they have pooled funds and bought us a crib, but we had bought one and it is already set up in the baby's room. I love that the staff did this, though, they are like family to me. We have gone shopping and all the baby things are pretty much ready. I am dressed up now in my suit and Kem looks a little nervous, and comments about how fast all this is happening, and I reassure her by saying how we didn't over think or over analyze, we just went with what felt right. And she agrees, it does just feel right.

I give her a kiss and tell her I have to get going. She asks me where and I remind her I have a Board meeting. Do you want to come watch me ruffle some feathers and take a look around the house? She is not sure she wants to go, but I sweeten the deal by telling her she can meet my dad. This interests her, so she changes and we are on our way to the house. She takes a tour and then comes down the steps in time to meet my dad. My dad takes a long look at Kem and her very noticeable pregnant belly. I did tell him about her and that we were having a baby, but I don't think he realized just how soon that baby was arriving. He greets her but head off quickly to head into the meeting. I take Kem's hand and we follow him in, and I can see the looks I am getting from the board members, especially one who has a very shocked look on his face as he notices she is pregnant, which he quickly tries to cover up. My dad is looking less than thrilled that I have brought her into the meeting, but I don't care. I introduce Kem and pull out a chair for her, there is total silence in the room. Good, I think, it will be easier to get started. Still standing I let everyone know that we are going to forgo introductions for now, I know some of them, but not all, and I don't want to take too long here. First order is letting them know I donated the house to Northwestern to be used as a facility to house guests involved in health care pursuits of the foundation. As anticipated that does not go over well, especially with my dad, and the board member who looked shocked asks me what right I have to make these changes. I look him straight in the eye, and say that my grandmothers will does. We go through the other business and I invite anyone who is does not support the new direction of the Foundation to resign. I don't have any immediate takers, but you never know.

We finish up the meeting and my dad and I take a walk in the gardens. He makes a sarcastic comment about how I disappeared for months and come back like an avenging angel, with a pregnant African in tow. I look him in the eye and tell him that her name is Kem. I don't like his condescending tone, he is just going have to deal with it, I am not taking any crap from him. He says goodbye and that he is looking forward to receiving the wedding invitation. And this I know is one of the real issues with the board, and my dad that Kem is African, and we are not married and I am obviously the father of her child.

The next couple of weeks are uneventful, and then my world caves in.

Abby POV

I am getting excited, we are graduating in a couple days. I notice that Carter has not been around much, but I guess Kem is back and he has a few days off to get ready for the baby, she is about 8 months pregnant. I bet that is going to be one absolutely gorgeous baby.

Thanks for reading, I will continue updating, please review and let me know if you like it so far


	7. Devastation

Carter POV

Kem is opening gifts and we are joking around, trying to pick a paint colour. Little do I know that this is the last moment we are going to be this happy. I cuddle with her on the couch and I rub her belly, waiting to feel the baby kick. We are sitting and cuddling for about an hour and then Kem falls asleep. I am only mildly concerned at this point, but I sit with my hand on her belly while she sleeps, occasionally checking my watch, and it goes on like this for about an hour when she finally wakes up. I get up and bring her a glass of orange juice, which I make her drink even though she protests, and ask her about the kick count. She agrees to do it if I make myself busy, and she drinks her juice. A while later she still has not felt any movement, and I get really concerned, and insist we go the hospital. Kem is telling me that everything yesterday was fine, and I worry too much. I get her in right away to see Vicky, our doctor, who does an ultrasound, and I have this awful feeling come over me, as I see no movement. Vicky puts on a monitor and tries to buzz the baby in case he really is sleeping, but I can feel myself getting more upset by the second, there really is something wrong and I know it, I just don't want to believe it. Finally Vicky looks at me and tells me to take Kem's hand, and I know that we have lost our baby, but Vicky says it out loud for Kem – the baby died. As if that is not hard enough, Kem has to go through labour and they induce her right away, and this could take over 24 hours. We are both in shock, and the hours drag by, it is like being in our own private hell. I can hear baby cries from other rooms, and I know I will never hear my son cry, he is gone before we could even know him.

I try to console Kem but she keeps pulling away from me, I look out the window at the rain coming down, like tears from the sky. I go for a coffee and one of the new dads is chatting to me, I just nod and agree, I am totally numb.

Finally, hours and hours later she is ready to deliver our son, I am trying to hold it together for her and encourage her, but I can barely speak. I hold her hand and finally it is over. Vicky looks at him and says he tied a knot in the cord, it was an accident, nothing we could have done and want to know if we want to see him. Kem shakes her head and refuses. I sit and try to hold Kem but she pushes me away and just lays there, almost catatonic. I step out of the room, I have to get away for a minute and try to deal with the grief.

I have seen a lot of people die, seen babies not make it through delivery, but it is totally different when it is your child. I had called my dad and told him on the phone what was happening, and to my surprise he is in the waiting room. As soon as I hear my name, I break down, I have never cried like this in my life, and for the first time ever my dad just hugs me until I stop, and finally gets me to sit down.

Abby and Luka come up to visit and I thank them, but tell them we are okay and they can go. My dad refuses to leave, he can see I am devastated. I look at the little lock of hair I have from our baby, and my dad comes over, I am surprised he has stuck around this long, but my mom is absent, as usual. I still haven't heard from her, and she probably doesn't even know or care what is happening in my life.

My dad talks about when my brother Bobby died, and how there are no words, no words that can express the pain of losing a child. He says it was an accident...and I say the whole thing was an accident. He tells me that everyone can see we really love each other, and that if I give her time, we can have another child. I say - she may not want to have another child with me - and I really don't know if she will, but I am to much in pain over losing this one, I can't think clearly.

Over the next couple of hours, I try very gently to get Kem to hold our son, I tell her I don't know what to do or say, but we need to say goodbye to him, and I don't know how to help her do that. I finally convince Kem to hold our son, for the one and only time she will ever get to see him. We sit close and I have my arms around both of them and we cry over our loss, I feel empty, that I almost had everything I ever wanted, and in a flash it was gone, like a mirage.

They move us to a new room and take the baby away, my beautiful little boy who we lost before he was born.

I get to take Kem home the next day and she is distant, too buried in grief. I cannot reach her, finally after a couple weeks, I go back to work for a few hours just so I have something to do, to get away from my own thoughts. We go on in limbo for a short time, but then one day I come home and Kem has packed her bags, she is going to Paris and then back to Africa. I want her to stay, or let me come with her, but she wants neither at this point.

On her last day we take our son's ashes and each say something, sprinkling him over the water. We sit with our arms around each other, I tell her I love her and I still want to marry her and spend my life with her. She cries and tells me she is not ready, she just needs some time, but she loves me. She is not interested in coming back to Chicago, so I tell her I will come to Africa in a couple weeks. And then she is gone, and I am left alone.

Abby POV

It is my graduation day, and I am so excited, until I hear the news. Carter and Kem lost their baby, he died before he was born, and she had to go through labour knowing there would be no baby to cuddle at the end. It was a cord accident, which is especially difficult, otherwise he would have been a perfect little boy. Luka and I went up to see Carter, and I can see he is totally devastated, the last 24 hours has taken its toll on him. I don't see Kem at all, Carter says she doesn't want to see anyone.

I go to my graduation, and I am happy to be a doctor, but sad for my good friend, who has lost so much.

When Carter finally comes back to work, he looks terrible, and I know things are not going well. I talk to him and let him know if he needs to talk, to find me. He nods as I give him a hug.

A couple weeks later he is looking even worse if that is possible, and I find out that Kem has gone back to Africa, to her clinic. A couple months ago John was so happy, and now he is buried in his grief, and I worry about him, and hope he can stay strong. He has been through some difficult times, but this must be the worst thing that has ever happened to him.


	8. Unraveling

Abby POV

It is my graduation day, and I am so excited, until I hear the news. Carter and Kem lost their baby, he died before he was born, and she had to go through labour knowing there would be no baby to cuddle at the end. It was a cord accident, nothing that could have been done, otherwise he would have been a perfect little boy. Luka and I went up to see Carter, and I can see he is totally devastated, the last 24 hours has taken its toll on him. I don't see Kem at all, Carter says she doesn't want to see anyone. We offer to stay, but Carter says they are okay - I am sad for him, but I also feel guilty, because I am a bit relieved. What does on say to someone you once shared so much with when they suffer such a tragic loss. I'm sorry just seems so inadequate, and I know he needs to be with Kem.

I go to my graduation, and I am happy to be a doctor, but sad for my good friend, who has lost so much.

When Carter finally comes back to work, he looks terrible, and I know things are not going well. I talk to him and let him know if he needs to talk, to find me. He nods as I give him a hug, but I think he is not ready to share, at least not with me.

A couple weeks later he is looking even worse if that is possible, and I find out that Kem has gone back to Africa, to her clinic. A couple months ago John was so happy, and now he is buried in his grief, and I worry about him, and hope he can stay strong. He has overcome so much, lost so many close to him, and now she is gone too.

Carter POV

I throw myself into work, with Kem gone I feel totally alone again. My dad has gone back to his life, I have no other family here, and the people I would have turned to before - well, most of them are gone - there are very few staff left from when I first started at County, aside from a few of the nurses. Deb has been dealing with her own problems, the accident, and her dad being so ill, I wish I could be there for her more, but I can barely take care of myself right now. Abby...well how can I really turn to her, we are okay, but the friendship we had is not the same, it never will be after our breakup. And how could I possibly - I remember telling her not to talk to me about Luka - how could I make her listen to me talk about Kem, I don't want to open those wounds or hurt her. Susan has been busy, she has her own baby and husband to take care of, and to be honest, I am happy for her, though I wish my own ending had been as happy.

People pass on their condolences, but my dad was right, there are no words that can ever make this better, nothing anyone can say that can help me get through my grief, I thank them, and try to keep busy, I know they mean well, but the sentiments are hollow, and I am now trying to deal with Kem leaving as well. I don't understand, I can't understand...she says she loves me, but she doesn't want to be here, she doesn't want to live in Chicago. And she doesn't want me to be there either, I would go back to Africa if I thought she really wanted me to be with her, but she says she needs time. So here I am, still in limbo.

I can barely eat, I have no appetite, and I don't sleep well, nightmares wake me almost every night. I can hear Kem calling my name, and cries of a baby, I stumble out of bed and find myself in the baby room, which is empty. Rather than toss and turn in my bed, I sit on the couch for hours, watching endless mind numbing programs. I can't wait until it is time to go to work, so I can think of something else, keep busy. That is the best thing about my job right now, I have to focus on other people, so I don't have to think about everything I have lost.

One day a young man is brought in to the ER with severe disfiguration of his face and a terrible infection. He is ex-military, he was injured fighting for our country. He lost a leg, and when I see his file, I see what he once was, a young and good looking guy, it is hard for me to see. Over the time he is there, I have to try and convince him to go up to surgery for some work on his cheek implant, and he tells me about his fiancée Karen. When he was injured he sent her away, he did not want to burden her, after all how could she love him when he was so damaged. I start to think about Kem, and how I can't give up on her, I love her too much, I have to try.

I walk over to admit after checking in on the patient, and Luka and a few others are hanging around, just laughing and chatting, and I kind of snap – no one has any work to do today? Luka comes over and tells me I can go home early, I mumble about my patient and some follow-ups but he insists I go home. He can see I am not in great shape and he tells me I look bad, that everyone has noticed. So I leave, and head over to the pub for some lunch, but instead of my usual BLT, I decide that maybe something else would be better today. For some reason, I think that a few drinks will make me feel better, and then to make it worse without any thought my feet lead me back to the ER. I can see Luka look at me, and Abby is there, they both can see that I am a little drunk and try to intercept, but I get over to the patient, and tell him he needs to call Karen, he can't give up. The patients mother is concerned, but I give him my cell phone, and tell him to call. Luka pulls me away and takes me into the break room and pours me coffee. I know that I should not have come back, I am not in control right now, so I sit and listen to him. He tells me I look bad, what is going on, and I say nothing. Luka says, John, you can talk to me….I know he is right, he lost his family in Croatia, I know for a fact he understands real loss - he lost his whole family in one day. And though I lost a child, Kem is still alive, while his wife, son and daughter all died. I take a deep breathe – I'm not sleeping…..I miss her….I miss the baby….I miss everything I thought we were going to have, and I don't know how to get any of it back I tell him. I can feel tears running down my face and I wipe them away. Luka sits quietly for a minute, then he nods, and says he understands, losing the ones you really love is hard, over time it will hurt less, call Kem, talk to her. And if you ever need to talk, let me know. I drink my coffee and sober up a bit, then I go back out, fortunately the day is quiet and not too many people were around to see me unravel. I walk up to Abby and apologize, I feel like a hypocrite after giving her so much grief about the drinking. She hands me back my phone, and asks if I want to get something to eat, and go to a meeting. I shake my head, no its just a slip, I'm okay, I'm going to go home. Luka asks if I need a ride, and I tell him I took the El, so I leave. As I walk out, I dial Kem's number and leave her a message, I want to hear her voice, I need to hear her voice. And I have to find a way to get her back, I love her so much.


	9. Moving Forward

Abby POV

My first year of residency is ticking by, and it is hard. I have a lot of respect for those who have managed to get through it. When I first met Carter, he was a resident, and he turned out to be a good teacher as well. He even had it tougher for a while, as he did a surgical internship, and they put in even longer hours, though I am still working some nursing shifts to help pay the bills while I do my residency so I do have some very long days. I am thankful every day that Carter was good enough to pay my tuition, or I don't know how I would be managing right now. It was totally unexpected, something I would never have asked him to do, even if we had still been together. He can be incredibly kind and generous, and I still have some regrets, what would my life be like now if things hadn't fallen apart those last few months?

I can see he is doing better now, though some days I can see are harder than others. We have had a couple of cases that were really difficult – the two little girls that went out the 3rd story window – and to later find out that the mother was hallucinating and told them to go. He worked hard to save the one, and she died anyway, and we were all almost in tears when that happened. Then he delivered a baby, and the teenaged mother refused to acknowledge the baby, that was a rough day too.

I could see he was having a bad day, and Wendall, the new Social Services worker was judging him pretty harshly, due to the way he handled the case. I stepped and told her he had recently lost a child, which seemed to help.

I could see he was trying to move on, it seemed that he and Kem were done. She was back in Africa and he was in Chicago. Soon I became aware that something was going on between him and Wendall, she is exactly his type, and I can't help but like her despite the fact she is with my ex boyfriend.

Within a few months though, it seems things cool off between them. He is happier, but he still does not seem truly over what has happened over the past year, I think he is still in love with Kem.

Carter POV

Time passes, and I am able to deal with my grief over losing my son, though I still think of him all the time. I know there is nothing I could have done, these things happen to people, and it happened to me and Kem.

Kem and I have been keeping in touch, by email, and also by phone. She still in discouraging me though, and I think that maybe I need to try to move on. I love her, I think of her all the time, but I don't think that we are going to be together again, ever.

I have some tough days, one where we were trying to save two little girls who had somehow fallen out of a 3rd story window. I was working to save the one, while the other was stabilized and sent up to Surgery by Elizabeth. It was frustrating, the med student in the room was holding things up, and ended up shouting at us to be quiet, in the middle of Elizabeth and I trying to save her life. The blood was slow to arrive, and I finally started barking out orders, and asking when the damn Social Services was finally going to get there. That is when Wendall arrived, telling me I was an ass for being so demanding – I know she was covering two hospitals, but I was taken aback, she just didn't know what we were dealing with yet. Though I have to admit she was really good at her job, and maybe even forgave me a bit once we found out the reason why those two little girls died.

Over the next while, she was around a lot more, and we had a few tough cases. I know she was upset with me about the teenage mom who wouldn't acknowledge her baby, and I finally told her why this was so difficult for me, and she seemed to already know. I don't know who told her, but after that, I found working with her a lot easier.

Over time, I realized there was an attraction there, and I really wanted to try and get on with my life. I didn't want to sit around waiting in limbo forever, I was still talking to Kem, but she was certainly not encouraging our relationship to proceed. Wendall and I started to see each other, and she was fun to be around, I enjoyed spending time with her, she was a beautiful, intelligent and caring woman. In the end, though, she realized my mind was somewhere else….well on someone else really. I couldn't say what she wanted me to say, I just wasn't ready to say it, and that wasn't enough for her.

She broke it off, and though I did apologize and I would have liked to explain or give it more time, but it was over.

I kept trying to move forward, Kerry encourage me to apply for tenure, and I also got involved in a project to build a health care center. I talked to Donald Anspaugh, and said we would like to take a leadership role, the land was there, and I wanted to invest in health care. It was a big project, but it is what Chicago needs, and I have the money at my disposal through the Carter Family Foundation.

The first plans were not what I envisioned, so I made them go back to the drawing board a few times. I know they were not happy, but in the back of my mind I was planning a major investment, though I did not let them know this until the plans were what I wanted. The meeting with Kerry was satisfying, she had given me such a hard time at points in my career, and now I was in charge. The day I pledged the $150 million – I don't know if she had any idea I had that kind of money under my control, but she looked pretty shocked and excited about it.

Then I received tenure, unfortunately they only offered one position this time, and Susan lost out. So she was pretty upset, and stopped talking to me. She made a comment about me buying the tenure…and maybe it did have something to do with it, but on the other hand I have published, brought in a lot of grant money, and I have worked at County longer than her, this is my 11th year working in this ER. Then of course she had to bring up that I never had to worry about money in my life, and that is pretty much true, but it still hurt.

Does Susan still not see that even though I have money, it hasn't brought me happiness? My dysfunctional family, strained relationship with disinterested parents, loss of my son, and loss of the woman I love, not to mention the other things I have gone through over the past few years – money can't make any of that better. She may not have tenure, or money but she does have husband that loves her, and her son. I don't know if I will ever have that, children, a wife…..maybe all my relationships are doomed to failure.


	10. Paris

Abby POV

My life continues on, I date Jake for a while, though I know it will never be a serious relationship. I like him, he is fun, but I just know I am not going to spend the rest of my life with him. He is wanting to commit, asking me if he should stay at County, but it is too much, so I push him away. I am very good at that.

I have dated a bit, but the truth is, for a while I was waiting for Carter to come home. I thought maybe when he came back that we would be able to pick things up again, but that obviously did not happen. Even when Kem left, he was preoccupied and consumed by his loss, then he when he started to recover, he was with Wendall.

He is doing something great though, he is using a large chunk of money – and I do mean large - $150 million – to build a health care center. Seriously, I can't even imagine having that kind of money – and he has really done a great job in the planning, it is going to be a much needed resource in the community. I tell him he is doing a good thing.

He also receives tenure, which does not go over well with Susan. She has been ER Chief for a while, and I know she could really use the income, but it goes to Carter. And I can see why – he has been here the longest of all the ER doctors and really carried us through several tough situations, including the riot when we ended up on lockdown. He has proved a talented doctor, a good teacher, and a good friend. Susan has been a good clinician, but she has not published or brought in the grant money John has, and she has not been at County as long. But Susan pretty much stops talking to him, which must be hard for him, she was always a friend, and now she is just angry.

Carter POV

Though it has been strained with Susan, I do have to admit one thing she said was absolutely right, that it seems like I don't even want to be here. I cannot disagree on that point, I don't want to be here. I want to be with Kem, I love her and want the chance to make our relationship work.

Finally there is a reason to go see Kem while she is in Paris visiting her mom in the hospital. I get a message that sounds like her mom is very seriously ill – and she is, she has cancer, but the treatment is going okay, she is not as ill as I thought.

By the time I find this out, I am already in Paris, I simply jumped on the plane and went. It is a difficult visit, and I almost leave as soon as I get there, she was not expecting me. And she is with someone, Michel, and I immediately feel incredibly jealous and like a total idiot. As Kem said, I should have called first and I walk out thinking that I am going to get back on the plane and go back to Chicago. She doesn't want me here, she didn't ask me to come, what was I thinking.

She comes after me though – she admits that she and Michel have been a couple in the past, but to me, it looks like it is more like the present tense. She asks if I'm jealous, and I say yes, yet she laughs a bit, and that makes me really upset and angry. I love her so much, and yet it feels like she is not taking that seriously. I have spent close to a year apart from her, wanting to be with her, how can I not be jealous. She does make me think though, saying – haven't you been dating? And what can I say to that – she knows I have dated, that I was involved with someone, that I have slept with another woman while we have been apart, so I can't judge her if she has dated – or whatever. And I don't want to think about that, all I want to do now is get on a plane and go home, this is it, it's over.

But, she asks me to stay in Paris overnight, and drops me at a hotel. I am still jealous as she leaves with Michel, it is hard to watch her leave with another man. However, she calls me early while it is still dark, and we spend the next day together. We talk, and talk a stroll through the park, she tells me a bit about being here when she was very young.

I finally run out of patience, for me, this is it. We either need to be together, or we have to make a clean break – I know what I want. So I ask her what we are doing, we talk all the time, we tell each other we love each other all the time. She says my life and career are in Chicago, but I tell her I will give it up, I would rather be with her. She discourages me, then we go back to the hospital so I can say goodbye to her mother.

At the hospital I have a few moments alone with her mother. She seems to think I am giving up too easily, but I let her know that Kem doesn't want me to continue to try. Her mom tells me not to give up on Kem, that I should not give up. Kem interrupts us, and I say my goodbyes.

I am on the way to the airport and realize her mom is right, I will always regret not making one more try, and I tell myself not to run away. I go to Kem's place and bang on the door, soaked from the rain. She opens the door, and I tell her I am moving back to Africa so we can be together, but we can take it her pace. I say I love her, and I am not going to live without her. She starts to cry, and next thing you know she is in my arms telling me she loves me, and we spend the night together for the first time in a long time.

We agree that I am moving back to Kinshasa, and we are going to be together. I spend another couple of days with her, then I go back to Chicago to give my notice at County.


	11. Good bye

Abby POV

I hear that Carter has gone to Paris, to see Kem, her mother is very sick. He is gone a few days, and he comes back looking happy. I haven't seen him really happy for so long.

He then says he is quitting County and moving back to Africa, to be with Kem. I am going to miss him so much, but his heart is with Kem. I hope it works out for him, he deserves to be happy. He has been through so much especially this year.

His last bit of time passes quickly, and soon it is his last shift. There is a surprise party planned, but I don't get to go, and in fact we have a major incident, so the party ends up being a bit of a bust. A three story balcony collapses and everyone is called back in to work. He understands though, it is the nature of our work, he has lived it for over 11 years now.

He comes to say good bye, and leaves us with a letter he wrote when he started. Neela, Ray and I decide we will write our own letters, it is interesting to see what he thought when he first started, and how much he accomplished.

He walks away down the hall, and I know he will be missed.

Carter

My last shift at County. I will miss it, but I am excited to be starting on a new chapter of my life, it is time to move on. I have stayed longer than most, and I think I have made a difference here. Kerry is disappointed when I turn in my resignation, but she understands that I want to be with the woman I love. She lost her love when Sandy died, but she has her son. I have another chance with the person I love, but lost my son, not so different really. I think in the end, Kerry and I respect each other, we have had our differences, but she also has a softer side that not many in the ER have seen, the mentor, the wife, the mother, the one who grants second chances. I have known her a long time, she has been my boss, my landlord, my friend and at times my worst enemy, but in the end I know she cares.

My "surprise" party ends quickly, as everyone is called back to work, but I am okay with it – that is the work we do, and we are dedicated to it. I would have liked to say good bye to a few more people, but really I have been saying good bye for the past few days. I make a point of stopping in to say good bye to Abby, she is in with Neela and Ray, but I think she knows why I was there. I also leave a letter I wrote to myself when I first started, I read it and think how young and naïve I was when I first came here, but how much I have learned, changed and grown as a person. I hope they might do the same, and look back on it years from now, and think about how they have changed and grown - it is inevitable, you cannot work here and be unchanged.

I walk down the hall, for what might be the last time ever, and I think about the past, the ghosts of former days echoing in my head. I can here Mark, he was a great mentor, teacher and friend. Peter, who was a tough teacher, but turned out to have a heart of gold, though he seems aloof and uncaring, he has saved me more than once. He became almost like a surrogate father to me at some point, and I will forever be grateful. And of course my all time favourite nurse, Carol, I still miss her, County suffered a great loss when she left. There are many more, but these three had the biggest influence on me, made me the doctor I am today.

As I go through the ambulance bay, I see Morris, he is in bad shape from the party he was at when the balcony collapsed – but he is Chief Resident now and I have to say as those before me

"You set the tone Morris."

He doesn't understand, but I hope maybe one day he will.


End file.
